Status quo...ta

I have been terminated. I've spent the day reflecting, recalling, reminding myself to keep my eyes on the prize (that is, self-actualization) and attempting to get all of my misery and disappointment out of my system in one day. I don't know how successful I am as my mind keeps wandering to June 28h, the day that I'm supposed to pick up my meager check for my meager contribution for this major cause.
It is so much worse to be disappointed than angry or sad. Those kinds of pain hurt, but they feel temporary and once you let them out, you get over it. Disappointment, not so much. When you're disappointed, you're faced with proof that your positive expectations were wrong and the more disappointment you face, the scarier it is to allow these expectations again. I was so ready to bust my ass for the environment this summer and work for a cause and gain positive insight and experience and make some money (I'm not gonna pretend that wasn't a happy prospect) and have some human contact that it isn't work to be around and have a kick-off point for future endeavors and...now I'm sitting home again with no prospects at all. It isn't exactly encouraging. And it isn't the usual self-recrimination that fills my head when reflecting on these past two days (oh God I got fired after two days) so much as frustration that there was nothing I could do to make this better or to make this work.
I was expected to raise $120 in a full shift while canvassing. That was my objective. There's this talk about recruiting new members and raising awareness, but the bottom line is, our purpose is to raise money. I'm not saying this is a bad or shameful thing. I understand that campaigns can't be run for free and it is much more honorable to accept donations from concerned individuals who want to be involved than to seek sponsorship from a company in exchange for pimping out the interests of the American public. HOWEVER...they could have been a bit more up front about this particular purpose when they were seeking employees. I guess the name should have given me a hint: Fund for the Public Interest, but somehow I was caught up on the whole wanting to get people involved thing. I had it in my head that our zeal to get this issue out there and have our voices heard was a bigger deal than making money. My positive expectation...was wrong. And there was nothing I could do about it. I had "the rap" memorized, I was familiar with the background of the drilling and the intent of Environment GA, I knew to be friendly and concise when talking to people so that they didn't get sick of me while I was asking them for money but really, there's only so much you can do only so far we can go. We're in a recession. During recession, people want to save their pennies. They don't want to give large sums of money to strangers who knock on their doors asking them to make a financial commitment to an organization they've never heard of. I understand that. I accept that. And still I felt anxious and disappointed and ashamed to not get any new sustainers on my own and only manage to get one $50 single contribution on my observation day. I read my little info packet. I knew that I was seventy bucks below my quota and I felt really bad that I hadn't done a better job. I chalked it up to my inexperience and focused on the good moments and came the next morning with bells on for my FM training. That...only served to make me more anxious. According to the director, Aaron, (who would fire me a few hours later) it doesn't matter what kind of area you're in. If you're engaging enough and speak to enough people you should make more than quota every day. According to his logic, it's my fault that the people who agreed with me but didn't have any money because they had just spent it all on bills or they were bound for Europe or they were retired and on a fixed income didn't jump for the chance to give me money (but did offer me water and ginger ale). It's my fault that the people who supported my cause but had already committed funds and membership to a bunch of similar organizations or balked when they found out that their contribution wouldn't be tax deductible didn't want to throw their last few bucks into a vacuum to which they'd already contributed in some other capacity. It's my fault that the people who really appreciated my passion and enthusiasm and felt sorry for me for being outside for so long and thought that this sounded like a really great group and a really great idea but weren't prepared to open their wallets immediately because they wanted more information decided that they would just join online after doing some research. It's my fault that those assholes (I don't have to be nice to them now so I'll call them what they are) who are more caught up in their neo-con patriotism than the havoc being wreaked on our shores (by a foreign company btw) to speak against dangerous off-shore drilling because the alternative is buying it from our enemies (because heaven forbid we find a cleaner more efficient fuel) threw their viewpoints in my face before slamming the door in my face or demanding to know how we would get fuel if not from the ocean. It's my fault that some people are alarmed by what's going on in the gulf but don't want to jump to conclusions based on one instance and are waiting until they see how things play out before they put their names and pockets on either side. It's all my fault. If I had been a better canvasser all of these people would have been dying to sign blank checks made out to Environment GA regardless of their biases, hesitations, financial limitations, suspicions, and irritation at solicitors. I am curious as to how Zach (who raised over a thousand dollars in one shift) would have handled my turf. But alas, I'll never know because they only go to each area once a year. So despite my passing out a bunch of flyers to several people really interesting in becoming members online or when they had more cash on hand, got an almost renewal from a man who wasn't home but was pretty sure to continue his membership after he heard from me, wasn't able to talk to everyone because so many people didn't answer their doors and practically bullied the sweetest old lady ever into donating her last ten dollars even though it wasn't enough to officially make her a member (in addition to be offered a few refreshments)...I didn't meet quota. And that was all that mattered as I headed back to the office, finally acknowledging the pounding in my head that hadn't stopped since that morning and self-consciously clutching my two sub-par contributions. I did not feel good and I had no excuses to make. The only thing running through my head was that I had failed for the second time and what was I doing wrong? I hoped to address this later with Aaron during debriefing but I never got that far. No sooner did I admit my inadequate results than he kindly let me know that "canvassing isn't for everyone" and I could come back to pick up my check for the work that I had done on the twenty-eighth of June. And that was it. I was dismissed. Inutil. None of my passion or desire to contribute mattered any more in light of my falling under quota twice in a row (the job packet actually says three times but I guess they just didn't have much faith in me). So now not only am I unemployed, I know for a fact that nothing I do on any given day is making a difference in the world to anyone. I couldn't get enough contributions and now I myself have nothing to contribute. I had nothing but time and I spent it trying...and failing. The worst thing about it was walking out thinking, What do I do now? Where am I supposed to go from here? And should I just give it up for awhile? I am disappointed. I was wrong. I was very very wrong. I hope and pray that I don't keep making thing mistake.