I don't know what to do

I hate these moments when I feel completely helpless and it's incredibly frustrating that just putting one foot in front of the other doesn't work in real life. There are too many directions for my mind to go in and come from for me to just push forward and I'm losing time trying to figure out how to get something out of my time. I'm sad. I'm disappointed that I didn't get a callback for Ain't Misbehavin, not because I particularly want to be in the show, but because I know that not getting a callback from a man who's never seen me means that after watching me act and seeing me dance and hearing me sing he didn't think that I might be worth a second look. I'm still disappointed about Chicago because I wanted it so bad and now I've lost my shot at Ain't Misbehavin and after talking to Stacy I really don't want to be in Trojan Woman, so I'm resigning myself to the fact that I won't be in a show this semester, but not by my design. I want to be in a show. I always want to be in a show and not knowing what I'm going to do with myself between seven and ten. I don't know where to go if I'm not a journey guided by a director with steps set out by a choreographer and words given to me by some brilliant writer that the world probably doesn't appreciate as much as they should. I'm sad and disappointed and I feel lost and empty and I was trying to write; to be the writer that I know I am until I have a pen in my hand or a keyboard in front of me after which my brain screams at me that it was all a lie and locks the words away until I'm alone again and I no longer have the means to reach out to anyone. I see on facebook and twitter that people have been going on auditions and callbacks and I missed that and I have to kick myself for not paying enough attention for being so lax that I could miss out on something that I want so bad. I have case law to review for Mock Trial. I have studying to do for AFA and BSC. I have a play to read for theatre thistory, a class still in my major. I have research to do for my monologue in my acting class that will take hours. I have to learn Mi Chiamano Mimi and get it run off to Kara. I still have to turn in my application for MURAP, the personal statement for which refuses to come out right. I don't have time to sit in the library and cry and feel sorry for myself over everything being exactly the same as it's always been. And here I am. I tried to go back to 14th St Playhouse where I had the best day ever. I thought if I could just recap that day, relate that joy, I would be able to get going again. But I couldn't do it. The words came out wrong, the feelings from being there didn't translate to the web and that's one more failure I have to count and it's all just awful. I can't get out of this. It's only three weeks into the semester, three weeks into 2011 and I'm already breaking down. And I think to myself I'd be so much stronger if I just had a little pick-me-up but there's nothing here. Everything I would turn to to pick me up has already let me down. I need help. I want to go to Pigeon Forge.