Call It Providence

I'm sleepy. I've been sleepy for the past five weeks and am still behind. I struck for Xanadu on Sunday and on Monday evening, I was on my way to Quincy to sell my soul to another director for another six weeks, this time with a half-hour commute and the challenge of Sondheim. I did okay, nothing spectacular, but enough to get a callback, and that's really all you can hope for in an audition, right? Callbacks come, and I still do okay, and when the time comes to make the first cuts, I'm dismissed. Now I'm sad.

I have recently accepted the fact that I will forever be in an abusive relationship with musical theatre. It tears me up, it puts me down, it throws me to the side, but still, all I want is for it to embrace me. All it takes is a little implication that my love isn't worthless and I'm back at it again. The rehearsal process for Xanadu was hell for me, but when I was walking home on Sunday night, all I wanted was to go back to that theatre. I couldn't wait to have more songs to sing, more moves to learn, more moments to create. I shouldn't have auditioned for Into the Woods. I had already acknowledged that it would be stupid to do two musicals in one semester with no real break in between, that I would probably be banging my head against the wall in just a couple of weeks if I ended up going through with it, but I had to go. I had to reach out for another chance to be a part of the magic. Now the magic has faded and I don't have any more, and I'm having the hardest time convincing myself that it's okay.

A smarter person wouldn't be sad. If I were smart, I'd remember that I'm taking 16 hours and behind in most of my classes with finals looming not too far ahead. I'd realize that this free time means a chance to actually comprehend what's going on in French, instead of just arranging letters the way I think they're supposed to go. I would remind myself that the deadline to submit for SETC is only a month away, FTC only a week and a half away, and mock trial tryouts less than a week. A less selfish person wouldn't be sad. A less selfish person would consider the job she has promised to be available for after leaving the crew hanging during homecoming week and the organization she's supposed to be helping to move forward. A more sensible person would use this knowledge to plan her next few weeks knowing that she'll have a good deal more free time and look forward to the opportunity to finally go to the dance classes she paid for. A more mature Akia would recognize that there are numerous factors that go into casting that don't reflect talent or skill and can't be helped. I am none of those things.

I am a stupid, selfish, childish girl (not unlike Little Red Riding Hood) who cannot see any of the positive things that will come from my not being caught up in this show. Nor can I recall any of the positive feedback I've gotten from members of the production team in the past year. I cannot bring myself to acknowledge what a compliment it is to be called back for such a demanding show or how supportive the people who knew me at auditions were when I had to perform. All I can see is how badly I want to do this show. All I can feel is how hurt I am that I was rejected and how disappointed I am that I wasn't deemed worthy to take the journey into the woods.