2010 FTW

The year 2010 is rapidly coming to a close and the time has come once again, to make those raely kept New Years resolutions. As always, I have an arsenal of them up my sleeve and, being the conservationist that I am, I've even been consciencious enough to recycle several. Here are just a few of my old faithfuls:

Get in shape. This includes building up a stamina so that I can sing the opening number of Thoroughly Modern Millie while dancing and not have to stagger breathe and incresing my extension, including turnout AND having the core strength to be a stipper. This (the core strength) is my ultimate goal.

Learn the piano. I swear that instrument hates me and it doesn't help that I have absolutely no guidance aside from a few books and the occasional assistance from my sister when she worries that I'm gonig to bang her piano irreparably out of tune. I assume that being good at the piano would in turn make me good at theory for some reason as well.

Be able to have a conversation in a language that isn't English. I took Spanish for two years and was pretty good at it so if this ever happens, this'll probably be the one.

Write. I used to say specifically "write so much of a book" or "write a play", but it doesn't really matter now what I write, so long as I do it. That's a place to start at least.

Improve vocal range and repertoire. I have accumulated entirely too much sheet music to have retained so few songs.

Get a job. This, incredibly, is probably the one on which I'm closest to actually making good.

Okay that's six things; six understandable, reasonably attainable goals for a year and yet, they have not been enough of the latter for me to achieve them since...since at least my thirteenth year. How is it that success in these resolutions continues to evade me year after year? And how do I know that this year will be any different? Let us explore the matter further, shall we?

In my semantic pickiness, I know there is a slight but significant difference between a goal and a resolution. Look at the word resolution. The term goes beyond the meaning of a simple "solution" and makes it so clear and concrete that is it to be "re"iterated with an extra two letters. A resolution is an absolute fact, a truth realized as soon as it is decided. A goal, on the other hand, is a far off destination which is constantly attainable despite being as yet unattained. If I say I want to get in shape this year, it's okay if for the first few weeks I can't run very far, it hurts to touch my toes and my version of a pull-up just involves standing on the bals of my feet and squeezing the bar really tightly. But if I say "this year I'm going to get in shape!" there's suddenly this intense pressure bearing down on me with every labored breath I make while trying to get through a regimen that's too hard for me and I'm eventually too ashamed of my own inadequacy to even face it with the intent of correcting it. It's humiliating to sit in a practice room banging out notes with my nails that are too long and my fingers that are too short when at any moment a real pianist may come and play something worth hearing. It's frustrating to pick through broken sentences attempting to both remember old words and acquire new ones when its probable that neither the flent nor the amateur will understand me in the end anyway. And it's heartbreaking to sit alone, pen in hand, and let the silence overtake me to the point that there's nothing but all these words in my head and on my heart and they somehow refuse to come out. I don't like failure. I've never been good at facing it and with these dangblasted revolutions in my face it's all the more painful. The one way I've found to avoid these failures is to avoid the attempts. Whatever psychobabble elementary school teachers like to push on us, you can't really fail if you never try. It's just not possible. So, when I get sick of failing, I get sick of trying. And I am quite sick of trying.
I'm going to take a rack at all of these again along with a bunch more, but my resolution for 2011 is to fail. Fail and moe on. Fail and not allow it to keep me from being able to succeed. Maybe there's something to it.